How to be a good storyteller if you are the subject of a family history interview

Over the years I have offered up a plethora of family history interview questions and resources, including tips for being an effective interviewer and active listener—but it occurred to me only recently that I've never talked about how to be a good storyteller.

There are some people who are inherently comfortable sharing their stories. For others, though, being the center of attention is scary. Even if you don't feel like you need to give a command performance, you may have reservations about your ability to remember, how engaging you will be, or even if you will delve into painful memories.

Here are six tips for getting comfortable with the idea of stepping up to the mic and telling great stories from your personal and family history.

1 - Take a beat to think when you need it.

(And if your interviewer is not comfortable sitting with that silence, directly ask for the time).

We have become accustomed to watching celebrities answer questions in quick soundbites, and it seems like their recall is beyond compare. But remember: They've prepared for their interview (often with the help of publicity handlers), and what you are seeing has been edited down (there are no doubt outtakes where the celeb muffed his words or drew a blank). The questions you are being asked about your life, whether from childhood or your more recent past, likely require a little thought before answering. So don't feel bad about thinking for a moment or two before answering. Ultimately you will be able to weave a better story and access more meaningful insights if you don't always dive right in with an answer.

2 - If your interviewer is revisiting a question you’ve already answered, go with it.

Yes, I am saying answer the same question again…

The first time around is about “collecting ideas, memories, and materials, and of increasing sensitization to the major issues of life,” James Birren, a pioneer in the field of guided autobiography, has written. It's worthwhile to go through your stories and recollections a second time “to elaborate on details and examine the same life story from an expanded, more enlightened perspective.” Every telling of the same story yields new information—possibly new memories that have bubbled to the surface, and possibly newly integrated meaning you have drawn from the experiences since the last time you recalled it. So go down that road, even if you feel like you've been there before! Depending upon the anticipated outcome of your interviews (book, video, audio recording) you will always be able to edit stories to avoid repetition and benefit from multiple tellings by weaving them together.

3 - If you can’t recall details of an event or person, focus on emotions.

The way someone or something made you feel is relevant.

Especially when asked to talk about memories from your childhood, there's a good chance that details may elude you. I have a nephew who remembers full scenes from the time he was three (really, even without photographs to reference), but that's the exception, not the rule. But just because you can't remember if a celebration took place at Grandma's or your Aunt Mary’s house, or whether the family station wagon was red or green, chances are that you will remember how you felt during the party or riding in that car. Allow yourself to answer questions from a place of feelings: Use phrases like, “I remember feeling…” or “When I think of that time I get all…” Tap into your emotions and your stories will follow.

4 - If a question doesn’t jog your memories, skip it. (Really!)

No details, no emotions…nothing? It's okay to tell your interviewer, “Let's move on.” There's no shame in not having an answer to any question at all.

5 - Be gentle with yourself—no judgment, period.

Speaking of shame…that's an emotion we don't want you to feel during your interview. Sure, it's okay—good, even—to talk about shame you may have felt in the past and what made you feel that way; stories of moving beyond shame are incredibly powerful both for you as a storyteller (exploring your experiences in the form of a story can be healing), and also for your descendants (what better way for them to relate to you and feel empowered than by hearing a story of you overcoming something?). That said, it's important for you not to judge your past selves during the interview.

Be accepting of all the iterations of you. Be gentle with yourself. (When I am interviewing someone who begins to seem like they are judging themselves too harshly, I will ask them something like, “Knowing what you know now, what would you tell your 17-year-old self?” When they look at themselves from such a distance, it often gives them perspective that allows them to be more understanding of their choices…even seemingly foolish ones!)

6 - Be open—open-hearted, open-minded, open to trusting your listener.

In addition to being gentle with yourself, open yourself to going down paths that surprise you during the interview. If you are being interviewed by a perceptive listener, they may ask follow-up questions that bewilder or surprise you. Ponder their questions and try to give thoughtful and honest answers. By trusting both your interviewer and yourself, you create an opportunity for your story sharing to go beyond mere entertainment into the realm of meaning-making. “Opening ourselves is where story begins. We write with open hands, and not with fists,” memoir teacher Beth Kephart has said; we speak, not only write, our truths from this place.

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Ready to begin? If you’ve already got your family history interview planned, kudos to you—I hope these tips will help you have a comfortable and fruitful storytelling session! If you’re still in the planning (or dreaming) stage, browse the posts below to find some helpful lists of interview questions, and, PLEASE, get a time on your calendar to sit down to remember—it’s something I promise you won’t regret.