Missing a loved one this holiday season?
“Ice Floes” (1893) by Claude Monet
As families celebrate Hanukkah this week and Christmas soon thereafter, we can get caught up in the hustle and bustle, in expectations of mirth and traditions honored… For many of us, though, grief has a way of underpinning everything during this season, even amidst the joy and carols.
Those who have followed my journey for a while or who know me personally understand that loss is a theme I revisit often. I do so because the loss of three loved ones—my mother, in particular—has changed me as a person. The absence of my mom permeates my life. And while there is sadness, and there is a sense of longing—especially during the holidays—I have also gained much; I have become a new me in the wake of her loss. And I feel compelled to help others remember their own lost loved ones, to use story and memory as ways to honor those they have lost, to help them heal—even if it’s a (very) little bit at a time…
But sometimes there is nothing that will make those stabbing moments of grief go away. And maybe we’re meant to feel them. I find some consolation in connecting with others who may feel similarly; of reading others’ experiences with loss and holiday grief. And so I thought this week I would share with you a few things that have resonated with me, and a few I have written myself; I hope one or more of these will help you feel seen anew, will connect you with positive memories of the loved one you are grieving (whether they died yesterday or three decades ago), and will help you find moments of solace and light when grief seems like a shadow darkening all else.
4 ideas for finding solace on your holiday grief journey
personal reflections
I wrote this piece in 2017. I was missing my mom fiercely as Mother’s Day approached. Something compelled me to share some especially personal words on Facebook (and I am not one who is typically vulnerable—or even active, really—on Facebook). That act connected me in a most beautiful and unexpected way with a community of others who felt similar grief—and the bonus these days is that it comes up in my feed periodically as a memory. Rereading my words from that day makes me feel closer to my mom, and gives me hope when I need it. May it do the same for you:
“Wish You Were Here, Mom”
“Because a number of people expressed gratitude for my words—for recognizing my prolonged grief as their own, for glimpsing something universal in my very individual experience—I decided to share the post in this broader setting…”
being there for others who are grieving
What if someone else in your circle is experiencing grief? In a world where rituals around dying are disappearing, where talking to someone about loss feels almost taboo, I find it can be helpful to have some concrete ideas on how to be there for another who is grieving. Take a look at this story for those ideas—and know that some of them may help you, too:
A Balm for Holiday Grief
A few ideas for sharing memories of someone who has died…
LISTENING IN, living on
As an avid podcast listener, I was thrilled to stumble upon the first episode of Anderson Cooper’s podcast “All There Is” back in September 2022. He started recording while going through his late mother’s journals and keepsakes, as well as things left behind by his father and brother, narrating his experiences—and emotions—as he went. The result is a vulnerable, human, necessary meditation on grief (including a series of compelling interviews) that had me feeling seen—and wanting to hug Cooper and others walking through grief. I highly recommend giving it a listen (as for me, I will be revisiting episode two, where Stephen Colbert joins Cooper for a profound conversation).
“All There Is”
I have recommended this podcast to many people this year. Anderson Cooper shares “a series of emotional and moving conversations about the people we lose, the things they leave behind, and how to live on—with loss, with laughter, and with love.”
FINDING COMMUNITY
In the wake of my mother’s death in 2009, I desperately sought community and a safe space for sharing my grief. It wasn’t easy. I eventually found a grief support group in my neighborhood in Park Slope, Brooklyn; it met at the nearby hospital and was a balm to my soul and frazzled nerves—that is, for the two sessions we met. Because it was run by a volunteer and there was no funding or outside support, it disbanded as quickly as I had discovered it. But many of us (a wildly diverse group—all ages, religions, and colors with unique experiences of recent death) had exchanged numbers. So I proposed we meet without a moderator at a local public place…and every single person showed up. That community was necessary for us then. If I hadn’t moved to another state, I would probably still be organizing our make-shift grief support get-togethers.
This year I discovered grief specialist Barri Leiner Grant via Instagram and extend an invitation to you to follow her, too, especially if you, like I was in 2009, are craving community around your loss. She offers memory circles, grief resources, a write-to-heal support group, and beautiful doses of inspiration through her work.
The Memory Circle
Barri Leiner Grant says that grief tending—“time dedicated to your release and relief”—is the foundational grounding of her philosophy. See if the tools she provides can help you maintain a meaningful connection with your lost loved one.
This blog post, originally written in December 2022, has been updated with new content on December 14, 2023.