Two great resources to help you write an ethical will

One helpful resource to guide you in writing your own ethical will: this step-by-step book from Susan Turnbull, founder of Massachusetts–based Personal Legacy Advisors.

“What do I want my loved ones to inherit, in the broadest sense of the word?” Susan Turnbull asks in her guide, The Wealth of Your Life.

So, beyond the physical wealth you have accumulated in your lifetime, what else should you think about passing on? Things like your values, your stories, your family history—these things make up intangible wealth that, for many, is as important (if not more so) than your material assets. But how, exactly, to pass those on? 

Leave your values, not just your valuables

The answer comes in the subtitle to Turnbull’s book, “A Step-by-Step Guide for Creating Your Ethical Will.”

An ethical will is simply a document you create to pass on wisdom, stories, and other information you feel is vital for your loved ones to know. It is an opportunity to share love, gratitude, and lessons with them. To leave a legacy with words.

Originally an ancient Jewish oral tradition, ethical wills have come to be known by more descriptive modern terms such as legacy letters and forever letters—but no matter what they are called, their intention is “to share the deepest truths of our lives for our loved ones to know and to hold even when, especially when, we are gone,” as Rabbi Steve Leader writes in For You When I Am Gone: Twelve Essential Questions to Tell a Life Story.

My life story?, you might be thinking. Well, yes, you may endeavor to preserve your full life story for the next generation (if you’re on my website, you know that’s undoubtedly something I champion!)—but most ethical wills are shorter documents (often between two and 10 pages, Turnbull suggests) and therefore much more approachable. It may evolve over time, too. “Start by creating a short message that captures the most important things you want to say,” she writes. “Peace of mind will be your immediate reward. You can add to that core message later, as time and inspiration allow.”

Here are two very different resources that I highly recommend for anyone interested in crafting your own ethical will.

The best books to help you craft your own ethical will

1 - a practical ethical will workbook

Susan Turnbull’s workbook is meant to be read and filled in—so get your pen ready!

Title: The Wealth of Your Life: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Your Ethical Will by Susan Turnbull

Who it is right for: A self-starter who wants to craft their own ethical will by the end of Turnbull’s book.

Biggest benefit: The nitty-gritty guidance (including, for instance, a list of values to consider writing about, and questions to narrow down your intentions) is thought-provoking; and the worksheets are incredibly helpful tools that also mark your progress as you go.

Consider: Buying one guide for yourself and another for your life partner, sibling, or a close friend—going on this journey together may provide both motivation and a means to grow closer.

This is a short, spiral-bound book that’s meant to be used as a tool. The author has broken out the steps to creating your ethical will not only clearly, but gracefully: Questions and prompts are accompanied by “lightbulb” asides that nudge you in the right direction, plus short examples of real-world answers that illustrate, among other things, that using your authentic voice is a powerful thing.

One of my favorite tips: You can convey values without sermonizing. “It is in your everyday life that your values find their expression.” In other words, use stories to reveal your values. Writes Turnbull, “In so doing, your values become obvious, you provide an interesting record of a slice of your life, and you will touch your audience in ways you can never imagine.” Indeed.

2 - an inspirational read that leads by example

I recommend reading Steve Leder’s book twice—once to relish the personal writings within, then again with the intention of answering his questions to craft your own ethical will.

Title: For You When I Am Gone: Twelve Essential Questions to Tell a Life Story by Steve Leder

Who it is right for: Anyone who wants to immerse themselves in years’ worth of wisdom, all the while becoming inspired to share your own.

Biggest benefit: Thoughtful, rich examples of excerpts from ethical wills from a wide variety of people of differing backgrounds and life experiences. The answers people provided to the 12 guiding questions Leder supplies are heartening and motivating.

Consider: Finishing your ethical will and then…writing more! For me, personally, answering the 12 questions in this book promises to yield more than my ethical will for my son—a whole lot more.

An ethical will can be both a way for descendants to remember a lost loved one and a primer on how to live a better, happier life. 

Rabbi Steve Leder—who has presided over more than a thousand funerals over the past three decades—knows the value of stories in creating legacy. If you ask the right questions, he says, meaningful stories pour forth. In this book, he has distilled those questions for us. “These questions are deliberate and so is the order in which I ask them,” Leder writes. “They have helped countless families tell the deepest, most honest, and often beautiful truths by which their loved ones lived.”

Sound intimidating? It’s shouldn’t be. Not only can you do this, but you will also gain insights and feel a sense of peace upon completion, “a promise of continuity,” as Leder says. While he thought he would be imposing on those he asked to contribute to his book, on the contrary, most of the individuals thanked him for allowing them the opportunity to be thoughtful and to share their stories.

The 12 chapters in For You When I Am Gone each introduce one question, some rationale for its inclusion, and then varied answers from real people. I recommend reading this book in its entirety, then beginning again with the intention of answering each question yourself as you finish its chapter. That’s what I have done.

Two messages that resonated greatly with me: ““We cannot learn from a story no one has ever told us” and “To share our story with someone is to say, you matter to me.” Leder also professes urgency: “My message is, ‘Don’t wait.’ Because none of us ever really knows which conversation might be our last.”

For You When I Am Gone is the best book on life writing that I have read in years; it has become the book I have gifted most often since it was published last year. I hope you’ll pick it up, and that you’ll take the messages from Leder and Turnbull to heart and begin writing your own ethical will.

This clever turn of phrase from Turnbull’s guide says it all: “What you have learned is as valuable as what you have earned.” So pass it on—please!

Note: This is an unsolicited review of two books I purchased at full price. I did not receive any compensation or free products in exchange, and any endorsements within this post are my own.

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