What do you wish you had asked them?
Do you wish you had asked your parent certain questions before they passed away? Are your parents still living, but you know you haven’t asked them for all the stories you hope to one day hear (and pass on to your kids)?
“I wish I had asked my father about his time in the Army during the war.”
“I wish I had asked Gran about what Mom was like as a teenager.”
“I wish I had asked Mommy why she never remarried after my father left.”
“I wish I asked what the heck the ‘secret ingredient’ is in Nonno’s Sunday sauce.”
Whether it’s a seemingly small thing like how to get a favorite family recipe just right or a big thing such as why a loved one left home at the age of 16, we all have questions we wish we had asked.
I hear these laments regularly from prospective clients and from friends, from those I am coaching on their own memoirs to those who are honoring a deceased family member in a tribute book. It’s an unfortunate universal truth: We think we have unlimited time with those we love—time to do the things we want together, to share our appreciation for them, to ask them questions (about any and everything, but especially about themselves).
If there are two things I could impart to you right now—lessons learned from these repeated regrets—they would be:
1 - Ask your parents questions now.
If your parents or grandparents are still living, start asking them more meaningful questions than “How are you?” or “Do you want to meet for dinner?” Instead…
Encourage them to write about their life by telling them how much you really DO want to hear their stories!
Or just start having some intentional, thoughtful conversations and hit “record” on your smartphone. (Need inspiration? I am currently listening to Laura Dern and her mother, Diane Ladd, have these exact type of conversations in the audio book of Honey, Baby, Mine: A Mother and Daughter Talk Life, Death, Love (and Banana Pudding) [Grand Central Publishing, April 2024]).
2 - Answer questions your own kids haven’t asked yet.
Be proactive. I guarantee your children will one day wonder about you. Not you, their parent, but you, the individual. Think about the questions you wished you had asked your now-gone family elder, and find a way to answer some of them. It could be by…
writing in a journal devoted just to this purpose that you will one day pass on to them;
creating a weekly writing practice to preserve your life stories;
working with a personal historian like me to interview you to capture those “answers” (let’s chat!);
simply having CONVERSATIONS over the phone or over dinner where you intentionally share memories and allow them “in” to your world in a deeper way (this is ideally done with adult children, but you can begin sharing your memories and life lessons in age-appropriate ways throughout their young lives!);
preparing an ethical will (also known as a legacy letter), an opportunity to share your values in a way that takes much less time than writing a whole life story book, to be sure, but that may hold as much value to your descendants.
It’s natural to take our loved ones for granted. But I urge you to step off that easy path and take a turn towards intentionality: Ask questions. Answer questions. Sidestep regrets 💕
“I wish I knew why Mom moved to New York when she was just 16.” “I wish Papa told me how he makes his Sunday sauce.” Don’t wish for stories; ask for them.